Trump Signs Bill Funding for Fog Machine to Obscure the Statue of Liberty 24/7
President Donald Trump signed an extraordinary bill on Friday before leaving the White House for his weekly Mar-a-Lago golf retreat. The bill, known as the “Gatekeeper Bill” would enforce a mandatory obfuscation of the Statue of Liberty for the duration of his presidency.
“This bill guarantees that anyone coming to our shores will be well aware of our intention to obstruct justice at all costs. This nonsense over protecting liberties, guaranteeing civil and human rights and making our country a safe-haven for those seeking freedom has got to stop! It will be an AMAZING, AMAZING, very good thing for America, moving forward,” said Trump in front of a small — nee’ dwindling — group of sycophants and a pool reporter.
When asked by the reporter how this could possibly bolster America’s standing throughout the rest of the world, Trump replied, “The only thing that matters here is that I’m the one left standing at the end of the day! I represent the residents of the Kremlin, not Kentucky!”
Among audible gasps and bewildered stares, the president quickly corrected his statement: “What I meant to say is that I represent what is right and decent about the people who elected me to be their president. I didn’t mean to imply that I have no allegiances to anyone coming to America, it’s just that I am well aware of how I stumbled into this position as your president and I will not turn my back on those who have been there for me. I owe these people my allegiance. The people coming to America as refugees have no bearing, whatsoever, on my decisions and how I rule — I mean govern this country, and so I want to tighten things up to make sure that all of my promises are kept to those who helped me to become the greatest leader of the greatest country in the world!”
When prompted about the Russia situation and their complicity in the election, Trump was undeterred: “There is no collusion, no behind-the-scenes antics and no back-door politicking going on here. I don’t need anyone’s help as I continue to reshape the constitution, the gun debate, the discussion on import tariffs and the rights of women to stop their whining about sexual assault. I can handle this on my own. I’m smart! I’m smarter than any president in history! Just ask anyone in the Kremlin, I mean Kentucky.”