Trump Ramps Up Bid for Nobel Peace Prize as Pelosi Ramps up Impeachment Inquiry

“Obama got a Nobel Prize in the first year of his presidency. I’m 3 1/2 years in and nada! Somebody in Norway better step it up and get with the damned program! I don’t know how much longer I can hold down this gig.” President Donald J. Trump

President Donald Trump announced today that he is going full tilt — doing everything within his power to persuade the Nobel Prize committee that he deserves to be awarded the 2020 Nobel Peace Prize.

Every morning, he phones Berit Reiss-Anderson, Chair of the Norwegian Nobel Committee, leaving voicemails touting Reiss-Anderson’s wisdom, intelligence and praising the moral fortitude and courage exhibited by the Norwegian people while residing next to Norway’s Scandinavian neighbor, Denmark (the “Bitch-Master of Greenland”). The calls were largely ignored until the president referred to Reiss-Anderson as a “handsome and virile man” in his latest voicemail.

“We’ve known all along that President Trump wasn’t fit to lick the Lutefisk off a whale’s ass, but his latest voicemail proves just how undeniably and dismally stupid this man-child is!” Ms. Reiss-Anderson continued, “We keep changing the phone number and he continues to phone Prime Minister Erna Solberg’s office, demanding that he must speak with certain members of the committee. We’ve decided to get a burner phone. and provide him with that number, so he can leave all of his useless and irrational rants on what will essentially be a dead zone phone.

In Washington, White House staff have been swarming around the Oval office, displaying examples of gift basket items that will be included in a special shipment to the Nobel committee later this week, pending the president’s approval. Items expected to comprise part of the swag include: autographed copies of “The Art of the Deal,” Think Like a Billionaire, Even if You’ll Never Be One,” “Wealth Building 101: Stealing Other People’s Money and Making it Your Own,” and “Trump University: Surviving the First 100 Days of a Monolithic Failure Using Other People’s Money.”

Other items in the gift baskets will include the president’s favorite Comb-Over brand hair gel; specially-branded hand sanitizer — with the germiphobe-in-chief’s picture on the bottle; an assortment of ties from the president’s clothing line — all of them made in China and certain to impress the committee members as they realize that Trump plays nice with everyone — especially foreigners from oppressive regimes; golf balls emblazoned with the Trump International logo and a one week, all expense-paid trip to Mar-A-Lago. Guests will stay in the Sycophant wing of the property, where despots, dictators, dirty ops contractors and retired Playboy models have enjoyed the special brand of Trump hospitality one expects from the greatest leader the world has ever known.

When asked earlier in the day if the president was over-reaching on his bid to win the Nobel Peace Prize, WH Press Secretary, Kayleigh McEnany responded, “There is no such thing as over-reach with this president. He doesn’t understand boundaries, his ability to be rational and reasonable was never in play, and he lacks the emotional and intellectual depth of a slug. It’s a no-brainer; the lights are flashing; the gates are down, but there’s no train in sight.”

Un-named sources claim the reason for the increased pressure on the Nobel Committee is largely due to mounting pressure from Nancy Pelosi and the Dems in Congress who want the president impeached at all costs. “If I don’t win this thing this year, I may not be here next year to collect it,” said Trump.

“I am fighting the greatest challenge to any president in history,” he continued, “how to keep my head above water so my hair doesn’t get wet as the great Democratic Tsunami of the century is coming my way. I’m the greatest president in history and my own citizens treat me like I’m a lying, preening, whiney-little-bitch-of-a-loser with no brains, no social skills and no future.

“After everything I’ve done for this country, they should erect monuments to me; great marble statues, granite buildings with my name emblazoned above the door, grade schools named in my honor, and they should build majestic walls with my face engraved on each section of the 400-mile-stop-gap on the border of Mexico and for which the Mexicans will pay many, many, many pesos for us to build. This country is such a disaster. I don’t know when it all started to go downhill, but I’m damned sure not going to be here when it hits rock bottom.”

“Truer words were never spoken,” remarked Speaker Nancy Pelosi when she heard the president’s words last night. “I foresee a time where he’ll be buried up to his ass in subpoenas, lawsuits, foreclosures and bankruptcies upon vacating the White House. The hole will be so deep that it may well be impossible to find him for decades to come, once he vacates the office — one way or the other.”

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Humorist, political junkie, activist, resister

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