Trump Delays Start of Presser to Finish Post-Coital Cigarette

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(Helsinki, July 16, 2018)

Tobacco stocks soared today as Donald Trump endlessly smoked post-coital cigarettes after his “great meeting” with Vladimir Putin. The joint press conference was delayed for several minutes as Trump puffed his way to an orgasmic high after he and Putin met in their first summit, er meeting, oh hell — let’s just call it what it is — a bromance between a fraud and a tyrant!

When questioned during the press conference, Trump praised Putin, committed treason and did not faithfully defend the US and its citizens. This is in direct violation of the US Constitution and the oath that Donald Trump swore allegiance to when taking office in January of 2017.

Unphased by this mere dismissal of his duty to faithfully discharge the duties of President of the United States, Trump went on to state that Putin was his “friend”; had no reason to “meddle” in the election of the US President; claimed the probe by Mueller was a “disaster for our country” and allowed for the fact that the US justice department is in shambles and likely misspoke when they said the Russians meddled in our election.

Like an affectionate lap dog, Trump cuddled up to Putin and fawned over him, stopping just short of licking his face and his balls.

While dodging questions from the American press that probed for Trump’s feelings about the 12 Russians indicted last week for election meddling by Mueller, Trump reverted to form, asking for the 30,000 lost emails from Hillary Clinton’s email server; touted his overwhelming win over Hillary in the 2016 election, and blamed President Obama for everything else that is wrong with his Presidency. He capped off his statement by stating that the Mueller investigation is the reason for strained relations between the US and Russia and mentioned that Putin gave a strong and powerful denial of meddling in our presidential election.

He rounded out the presser with a stab at the EU, citing his lack of trust in our allies and his devoted loyalty to Russia and Putin.

Toward the end of the press conference, Putin tossed a soccer ball, allegedly from the FIFA championship game held yesterday in Moscow, to Trump while laughingly remarking, “The ball is now in your court.” Trump, as any good lap dog would, eagerly caught the ball and then tossed it to his wife in the crowd, because as any dog knows, it’s always more fun to play a game with your owners when everyone is in on the fun.

Humorist, political junkie, activist, resister

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