In a surprising move this morning, President Donald Trump tweeted that his secret plan to bring members of the Taliban and Afghanistan President Ashraf Ghani to Camp David was cancelled.
Donald J.Trump @realDonaldTrump
“Unfortunately, in order to build false leverage, the Taliban admitted to an attack in Kabul that killed one of our great great REALLY GREAT amazing soldiers, and 11 other PEEPLE. I immediately cancelled the meeting and called off PIECE negotiations. What kind of people would kill so many…
…in order to seemingly strengthen their bargaining position. I had no idea when I invited them to Comp David that they did stuff like this; they’ve only made things worse!” #smartestpresidentever #greatestpresidentonearth #cannotbefooled
The diplomatic spectacle of Trump, who views himself as a masterful negotiator, leading the charge to effort a peace deal while seated across the table from leaders of a militant group was the stuff of dreams for disappointed cartoonists and Meme aficionados whose pens were poised to record the debacle.
Secretary of State, Mike Pompeo, appeared on the Sunday morning talk show circuit to explain that the president was only doing what he thought was best for America. “When he realized that the Taliban lied to him, he was shocked and offended by the slight. He had planned a wonderful day for everyone coming to the meeting and now we must postpone the meeting until things calm down.”
When asked what the president hoped to achieve at the Camp David summit, Pompeo produced a draft schedule of events that were planned at the weekend White House.
Schedule of Events and Activites for Camp David Summit
Sunday, September 8, 2019
President Trump to welcome Afghanistan President Ghani and Taliban leaders to Camp David with a 21-gun salute and an autographed portrait of himself, painted by famed artist Alfred E. Neuman. Trooping of the color will follow. (This will consist of Presidents Trump and Ghani observing 23 virgins in colorful native Afghani dress, who will be accompanying the group on their trip. Trump will judge their suitability to become potential brides to interested Republican congressional loyalists and DC lobbyists).
First Lady Melania Trump is scheduled to a host a tea party for the virgins. She hopes to lead a forum on How to Marry a Millionaire When All You Have Are Your Looks and Your Ambition to Procure an Einstein Visa. The forum will be followed by a Q&A with participants and the distribution of swag bags overflowing with essential tools to make their American dreams come true. Items in the bag were expected to include deodorant, Vagisal spray, a gift certificate to one of the chicest hair salons in DC, a voucher for a free physical exam at the local community health center, an all-expense paid shopping spree in NY (transportation provided by Air Force One), a coupon for a pair of Jimmy Choo shoes and a makeup lesson with one of Melania’s favorite makeup artists.
President Trump has a photo op with President Ghani and Taliban leaders. Fox News will be the only participant invited to the photo op because everyone in the Taliban requested that no fake news press people be allowed to participate in the event and sully the sanctity of the meeting.
Discussion in the Eisenhower Room on bringing peace to Afghanistan and Iraq.
Light lunch of Pidgeon, Squab, lentils, hummus, baba ghannouj, fried chicken from KFC, burgers from Wendy’s, French fries from McDonald’s and milk shakes from Burger King, along with tubs of iced Cokes, Mountain Dew (a nod to the mountainous regions from which the Taliban hails), as well as bowls of Cheetos, Snickers, Moon Pies and pork rinds for snacking.
Continued peace talks in the Eisenhower Room. Additionally, guests will be shown a slide show of Mar-a-Lago; the Bedminster, NJ White House and pictures of Trump rallies where, according to narrator Don, Jr., the president is lauded as the Greatest President the world has EVER known.
Rest and relaxation. Participants may retreat to their rooms for a nap or convene on the front lawn where attendees will have their choice of playing either a spirited game of pin-the-tail-on-the-Epstein-leftovers or miniature golf, using clubs carved from the skeletons of indigenous mountain leopards — a gift presented to the President earlier in the day by President Ghani.
“Cocktail Hour.” Guests will be served Shirley Temples, Virgin Bloody Marys (a nod to the bloodshed resulting from the heinous actions of the Taliban), faux Martinis and Billy Beer (a leftover from the Carter administration, found in the bunker on the grounds).
Hors de ’oeuvres served by the Makeover Virgins who will be premiering their new and improved guises to their owners.
NOTE: Those owners who may be offended by the new and improved guises of their human chattel will be given a time-out with Melania, who will conduct a brief seminar on the merits of Getting Along to Get What You Want: A Lesson in Swallowing Your Pride — and Other Things — to Calm the Orange Beast.
Dinner to be served buffet style at the Trout Run Mountain Retreat on the compound grounds. While staff was not forthcoming with the menu, it was believed that the buffet was scheduled to consist of Popeye’s fried chicken, gallons of sweetened iced tea, an assortment of the president’s favorite Nothing Bundt Cakes flavors and a delicious array of side dishes including Cheetos souffles with sour cream and ranch dressing topping, French fries and gravy, tater tot casserole with caviar and pork rinds and a pancake and waffle bar. Soft drinks, an ice cream sundae bar and a candy bar with assorted sweets were expected to round out the meal.
A purge room will be provided in an adjacent building for those who may feel the need to engage in a cathartic cleansing after the evening meal. WH doctors were slated to be available to assist in the rehydration and care of the guests.
Departure for the airport scheduled. All attendees will be Uber’d to the airport as President Trump and FLOTUS make their departure in Marine One, leaving the stench of broken promises, vacuous comments and empty accolades in their collective rear view mirrors.
“Now that the meeting has been cancelled, the president has re-scheduled the festivities for the 4th of July, 2020. He believes that the added pageantry of having the president of Afghanistan and members of the Taliban serve as Grand Marshals of the parade in Washington will send a powerful message to the masses in an election year,” said Pompeo, running for the exit of 30 Rock as hordes of reporters were shouting questions and hurling insults aimed at the president and his administration.
President Trump’s office did not return calls for comment.