It wasn’t what anyone expected when the GREAT WHITE HOPE arrived in Tulsa on Saturday evening, accompanied by his larger-than-life girth, his brash and vitriolic rhetoric and an entourage of sycophants, hangers-on and staff.
What America was treated to, instead, was a cartoon caricature of a campaign rally that had fallen flat on its face, devoid of enthusiasm, excitement and PEOPLE! Eight advance team members, including Secret Service agents and staffers, came down with Covid-19, within days of arriving in Tulsa.
The campaign and the man it represented spawned a dud of a rally and were looking for someone to blame. Herewith a list of likely culprits, provided by WH insiders who wish to remain anonymous:
1) Eric was in charge of crowd control.
2) Ivanka could not make it to Tulsa — thus no eye candy.
3) Don Jr. could not deliver the promised KKK contingencies that were to be bused into the area, due to non-existent protesters blocking the empty and wide-open path to the BOK Arena.
4) Melania did not accompany The Orange One to his rally — thus no titillation for the rednecks to devour.
5) Eight of the Advance Team staffers came down with Covid-19 at the White Lives REALLY, REALLY Matter rally held during the Klan Appreciation Luncheon the day before the big event. The rest of the Advance Team joined the Klan that evening in a secret membership ceremony, leaving those waiting in line for tickets the following day without the required access to the rally, as most of the new Klan members who were responsible tor ticket distribution were too hammered and hungover to make it to the event.
6) Joe Biden scheduled a Zoom meeting from his basement an hour before the rally; curious GOP faithful signed on hoping to find fuel for anti-Biden propaganda, instead finding themselves mesmerized by the fresh sound of coherent sentences, spoken without the words “big,” “beautiful,” “great,” or “really” being uttered, repeatedly, by a sub-human speaking with a grade school cadence. Many opted for a night-in with Joe, rather than a night out with insanity-run-amok.
7) Kellyanne Conway, hung-over from an all-night drinking binge after seeing the latest anti-Trump ad from her husband’s The Lincoln Project team, reportedly struggled to awaken the morning of the big event. With no one cogent enough to rein in Don Jr. and Eric, all bets were off.
8) Kim Jong-Un promised to deliver North Korean puppet people who would gin up the crowd and applaud at all of Trump’s best party lines and false insinuations, but he had no suitable 20th century aircraft on which to transport his puppets to the US, thus he sent flowers with an apology note that read, “As they say in my country: If you’re still standing, you’re still leading.”
9) The late Billy Graham’s son, Franklin, had good intentions of sending his thousands of followers to flood the arena and the overflow parking lot with the Evangelical party faithful, but was consumed by greed when he realized that he could probably make better use of the thousands of dollars they were willing to spend on bus tickets and lodging for his own purpose, so he collected the money and substituted preaching the word of God for a mind-numbing 3 hours, while standing on a bench in the Charlotte, NC bus terminal. According to sources at Fox News, bodies are still being recovered from the rubble left in the wake of the stampede that ensued when the preaching started.
10) Fake News was not willing to tell the whole story. Fake News outlets, among them: CNN, MSNBC and newcomer to the fold — Fox News, stood firm by showing the paltry 6200 in attendance at the BOK Center with 12,000 empty seats on display, as other outlets dared to show empty streets, empty parking lots, no protesters keeping people from entering the building and, let’s face it — no people lined up outside to enter the building. Trump team members were at a loss to explain the desolate streets, so they opted to toe the Trump party line: “There are evil, very, very bad people out there doing bad, bad things to our people. And we’ve got to tell you that’s not a good thing.”
When contacted for comment, Donald Trump offered this appraisal of Saturday’s debacle: “There are numerous fake news reporters and networks that are out to destroy me and the way of life our country is now accustomed to. Believe me, We are going to prevail and squash those BLM protesters and make sure they never ruin another rally again.”