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Trump On Suicide Watch; Police and Staff Tire Of Waiting For It to Happen
Patrolman Joseph Costello (L) and Patrolman Candace Brome (R) stand guard behind Donald J. Trump in a New York courtroom as Trump enters the fourth day of his hush money trial.
With no Diet Pepsi allowed in the courtroom, Donald Trump is at wit’s end; evolving into a caricature of a defendant when he is at the mercy of a judge and the law, while unable to text on his iPhone.
The Apricot Antichrist complains, loudly, when he exits the courtroom every day by 4PM. “It’s a witch hunt; a scam; lies; pack of lies; many lies; too many lies to be believed; unbelievable lies and Lying Joe Biden is behind all of this.” It’s the same message every evening. He senses the press may be getting bored and he is, according to many observers, deeply depressed.
Unnamed sources from the Trumpestuous camp claim the former president is not eating his usual dinner of 2 Bic Macs, large fries, and a Diet Pepsi, washed down with two apple pies, and on warm days, a McFlurry. Yesterday, he shocked everyone by demanding a Burger King Double Whopper, large fries, onion rings, spicy chicken nuggets, and Jalapeno cheddar bites — rounding out the dinner with a large, hand-spun vanilla shake.
Those close to the Corpulent Clemintine expressed dismay at the change in his eating habits, wondering if this was the appropriate time for him to be starting a new lifestyle diet. Others expressed concern for the Orange Orangutan’s mental health (or what’s left of it).
There’ve been other changes in the Mango Mophead’s behavior as well. He walks in circles while in his bedroom, telling aides that he knows he’s supposed to be somewhere, but can’t remember where. He continuously performs a comb over of the eight-inch-long weft that sits atop his head, and he constantly fingers his belt while muttering obscenities about it being too tight to be sitting in the courtroom all day while wearing it.
Police stand by the front door to his Trump Tower penthouse apartment, offering him some measure of security, but Sir Sucks-A-Lot is said to be so delusional and demoralized, those closest to him fear he will commit suicide, or at least fake it for the sympathy vote.