Rudy Giuliani is off and running and no, it’s not what you may think. Giuliani is lecturing students at New York’s The New School, where he is a visiting professor this quarter. Giuliani’s class, Creative Thinking & Speaking in the Time of Political Annihilation is a roadmap for traversing difficult terrain while protecting book deals, speaking fees and possible future runs for president of Cellblock D at Rikers.
When asked why he chose to lecture at The New School with all the fury swirling around the Trump White House and his personal role in the protection of the president as his personal lawyer, Giuliani responded, “I have done nothing wrong. I don’t care what people in the fake news media say about me. I have a stellar reputation — just ask my three former wives, John Bolton and Michael Cohen. I have a moral obligation to share my well-honed knowledge with the next generation of leaders and righteous activists.”
A copy of the syllabus was leaked to the pubic yesterday by one of the 75 lucky students registered for the class this quarter. “With this shit, I can rule the world, circumvent all of the enemies I’ll make following Giuliani’s playbook and intimidate the hell out of anyone who dares to cross me,” said Trey Ludwig, a senior Creative Thinking major.
Here’s a look at the syllabus by weekly subject matter:
Week One: Denial is the Holy Grail of Your Very Existence
In your first week, you’ll learn the very cornerstone of existence in the world in which you live. Denial is your friend for life; use it, live by it and make it your bitch. I don’t understand my 3 ex-wives, my children or Yiddish, but I do understand the power of denial: It never fails you; it always has your back, and it allows you to stand tall when faced with irrefutable evidence of your wrong-doing or guilt.
Week Two: Bullying Isn’t Just a Tactic; It’s an Art Form
This week, you’ll understand why He Who Bullies First and Loudest Always Wins. Continuing along the denial spectrum, it’s not always the truth that saves you but how loud you can scream at your opponents, shout them down and intimidate them. We’ll engage in role-playing, social interactions, political intimidation and how to best usurp your enemies while leaving them bleeding out and gasping for air and you’ll do it with WORDS. You never know when your enemies are near, so best to keep your acid-tongue razor sharp and your mind clear of anything remotely reflective of truth, fairness or dignity.
Week Three: Using Crazy Eyes and Contorted Facial Gestures to Control Your Aggressors.
You can do a lot of damage with words, but if you really want to level the playing field, you’ll have to learn how to Think Your Way to Intimidation by Letting your Facial Expressions Do the Talking. You read that right! Sometimes, words fail me (I know it’s hard to imagine but even the great ones slip up and misspeak). When you’ve had a long day, similar to that which I experience when the Orange Beast and my BFF in the White House has plucked my last raw nerve, you’ll be more likely to state the occasional inaccuracy or tell an outright lie as you buy time for a more clever bon mot. Worried? Don’t be! You’ve come to the right place. I’ll share my best facial contortions, looks of amazement, expressions of incredulity and stare-down tactics guaranteed to back your opponents into a corner from which they’ll beg to be released.
Week Four. Backtracking Isn’t Bad if it Allows You to Gain Control of the Situation.
I’d be lying (just a joke) if I said I never backtrack. I do it all the time. What I’m really doing, in actuality, is shocking my adversaries into another level of realization: You Can’t Get Where You’re Going If Everyone is In Your Lane. What is the best way to throw people off their game when they’ve got you on the ropes and moving in for the money shot? Say something so absurd and irrational that it shocks them into backing off as they collect their thoughts for the next round. Immediately spin the question they posed into a confusing whirlwind of false premises, lying accusations and bogus narratives that will so completely confound and derail your accusers that you’ll skip over the next line of questioning without missing a beat. You’ll learn how to circumnavigate the truth, confuse facts, misrepresent your position, misrepresent everyone else’s position, misquote allies and enemies alike and do it with vitriol, while holding your uppers in place.
Week Five: Find Your Ally and Get Into Bed With Them
Say what you will, but getting a mouthpiece or news network on your side is the surest way to galvanize your followers and incite warfare against your detractors. If you can speak falsehoods to Neanderthals and Get a News Media Conglomerate to Be Your Megaphone, that’s what I call a win/win! Enter Fox News Corp…
You may not agree with their politics, their talking heads or their on-air bubblehead/pole-dancing talent, but you’ve got to know a winner when you encounter them and act quickly. In this next to last week of scholarship, you’ll understand what makes psychos tick and how to amp up the crazy using words and phrases that will gin up the crowd, get them parroting your language and quoting your statistics, give them ample ammunition to speak your version of the truth and enable them to carry your flag for you — all while you sit back and watch the clown show parade before you. It’s the near culmination of Creative Thinking & Speaking in the Time of Political Annihilation at its best!
Week Six: If It Ain’t Broke, Break It.
If you really want to be a trailblazer, don’t go where others have tread: Mark Your Territory by Breaking Every Rule and Shredding Every Semblance of Political Correctness and Decency. Break all the rules and social norms by bringing unbalanced views to the forefront. Why walk the road often tread when you can trailblaze your way to victory by misleading, lying, confeveing, distorting and twisting the facts and established norms to fit your narrative?
If you really want to master this course, you’ll need to ace your final exam. You will choose one of these three statements on which you will be required to elaborate in a lecture given to the rest of the class:
- My boss and everyone around him are lying snakes. How should I use my new arsenal of words and tactics to protect them while making myself appear to be in charge, even when everyone knows I’m a bottom-feeder? (Note: Please have a slide show that you can share with the rest of the class that will display your ingenuity and showcase your talent for putting words in others’ mouths, changing horses midstream, distorting the facts and mangling the truth while displaying an utter and blatant disregard for the Constitution through the establishment of misleading and false narratives).
- International travel is difficult to navigate when so many of your trips must be handled in a covert manner. How can I best talk my way around pictures and video that are sure to surface and land me squarely in the hot seat in front of Rep. Adam Schiff and the rest of the Intel Committee? (NOTE: Examples of disguises, weird facial expressions and visible signs of derangement and a litany of outrageous statements — bordering on the absurd — must be part of your presentation to the class).
- Speaking Truth to Power will be the toughest subject matter of these three choices, but you will receive an additional 10 bonus points for mastering this challenging task. Bear in mind, truth is what you say it is — not what the fake news media or Adam Schiff and his cronies believe it is. You’ll need to lay out a roadmap for success to conquer this daunting task. (NOTE: You’ll be expected to play both sides of the fence, throw your allies under the bus while driving erratically down the highway to hell — better known as appearing on the nightly news broadcasts and Sunday talk shows — and you must save yourself at all costs while keeping the Orange One’s head above water). This choice will not be for the faint of heart, truth seekers or those who believe in fair play, so choose wisely.
Attendance is not mandatory but required for a passing grade — I amuse myself…
Thanks for reading. Feel free to comment, clap or both.