Rudy Giuliani Has Issues; He’s Dyeing To Help Trump Win The Election
Dripping with venom and hair dye, Giuliani seeks to persuade the press that he’s not insane, bonkers or just plain desperate for attention, while weakly defending his assertions that the 2020 election was a fraud.
Rudy Giuliani held a press conference today, proclaiming that the presidential election should be overturned.
Sweating profusely, the sopping wet joke-of-a-lawyer yammered on for 1 hour and 45 minutes, in what fired CISA Chief Christopher Krebs called, “The most dangerous 1 hour and 45 minutes of TV in US history.”
In a desperate attempt to throw gasoline on an already out of control bonfire, Giuliani cited multiple recently-debunked claims of voter fraud in making the case for Trump. What shocked reporters and onlookers even more than the false claims of voter fraud and voter tampering was when Giuliani (mis)quoted dialogue from the film “My Cousin Vinny” in which an elderly witness is too far away from the scene of a crime to correctly identify the supposed crooks and is proven to be an unreliable witness — thus arguing that the Trump campaign wasn’t allowed to be close enough to observe ballot counting in Pennsylvania.
While everyone was pondering the weak attempt to draw comparisons between the movie and the reality show they’ve been forced to witness on a daily basis since the Presidential election over a week ago, that wasn’t the most outlandish thing proffered by Rudy.
Twenty minutes into the presser, dark rivlets of brown stain were seen slowly trickling down both sides of Rudy’s tired, craggy face.
Many in the audience noticed and some opined as to the origin of the rivlets. Jonathan Karl of ABC News was overheard saying, “I knew he was a demon, but Jesus Christ, sweating sludge is a new one for Rudy.”
Kristen Welker of NBC News attempted to compose herself when questioned after the press conference about her observations. “At first, I thought it was slow-leaking fluid from his brain — desperately looking to escape the madness within — but then I noticed it was dripping down both sides of his face and I knew he was about to blow!”
As Giuliani furiously mopped his face for the next hour and a half, his once white hanky turned gray, sullied with errant hair dye and crazy-old-man flop sweat.
The situation intensified when he started to smear his face with the hanky, producing faint black streaks on his cheeks and forehead, giving the appearance of a desperate prisoner, profusely sweating as he struggled to escape the chain-gang.
When asked about his perspiration problem after the press conference, Giuliani remarked, “I don’t sweat and even if I did, I’d never let you guys see it.”
Calls to Combe Incorporated, the manufacturer of Just For Men hair care products were not immediately returned. Late tonight, they issued a statement that reads as follows:
Just For Men is not responsible for Rudy Giuliani’s mishap in the press conference held earlier today. We make hair care products for men, not jack-asses.