Pockets Bulging; Trump Begins “Thank You, Next Best” World Tour

(Photo: Tom Brenner/Reuters)

President Trump boards Air Force One as he begins the first leg of his worldwide hush money tour, paying off despots, dictators, former girlfriends, black-ops disrupters and construction workers at the border.

President Donald J. Trump departed from Andrews Air Force Base early this morning as he embarked on his worldwide hush money tour, known as the “Thank You, Next Best” tour. With money spilling out of his bulging back pockets, the president hurried onto Air Force One, avoiding questions from the press corp.

Shouts of, “Who’s your Daddy,” “What are you hiding,” “Did you pay Melania to stay home,” and “Who does your hair?” peppered the air like buckshot at a southern family reunion as Trump labored to ascend the airstairs to the plane.

Press Secretary, Stephanie Grisham, deflected questions by stating, “President Trump has long wanted to make this trip to thank his many allies and friends for fronting for him and supporting this great nation of ours.” She quickly exited the tarmac in the presidential limousine, nicknamed the Evader, leaving the press in the wake of exhaust fumes and the acrid smell of jet fuel as the president’s plane taxied to the runway for take-off.

According to the president’s staff members, he has long wanted to be able to personally thank allies and his friends for standing by him and his dictatorial policies that threaten to dismantle the Constitution, annihilate long-held government programs and destroy the American way of life.

An anonymous source told Reuters that the president plans to make the following stops on his world Thank you, Next Best tour:

  • Saudi Arabia will be the first stop on the list. Look for the president to personally thank Mohammad bin Salman (MBS) for his unwavering support of the president and his administration and for blowing up those oil wells in his country so Trump could start a war with Iran and deflect from his mounting troubles at home. Expected payoff: 200 Million
  • Ukraine will be the second stop on the tour. The president will have lunch with President Volodymyr Zelensky, who is likely to remind the president that he is the reason that Trump is under investigation, courtesy of the anonymous WH whistleblower. He’ll remind Trump that his silence can and should be bought. Expected payoff: 25 Million
  • No world tour would be complete without a stop in Russia to meet with Vladimir Putin. Of course, the president owes much to Putin, beginning with the loans that saved the president’s Trump International Golf Links at Doonbeg, Ireland and the Trump International Scotland from total ruinnation. Add the pee tape to the mix and you have a whopping payout that would give any grown man a hard-on. Expected payoff: 750 Million into Putin’s personal bank account.
  • We can’t forget about Dennis Rodman’s best friend and Donald Trump’s bestie, Kim Jong-Un. That little gnat-on-an-elephant’s-ass is the one leader whose personality and ego are matched most closely to the president’s persona. Kim will likely remind Donald that he has audio tapes, video tapes and paid witnesses who could likely bury the president in one carefully crafted news conference. Expected payoff: A bargain basement price of 1 Million — it’s North Korea, after all.
  • No Thank you, Next Best tour would be complete without a stop in California. There are many women who have befriended the president over the years, and they’ve all migrated to California for some reason. Actresses, Playboy models, wannabe actresses, wannabe Playboy models, porn stars, wannabe porn stars, hookers, wannabe hookers and the occasional secretary. Trump owes them for keeping quiet or, alternatively, for spilling the beans and making him look like the Mack Daddy that he envisions himself to be. Expected Payoff: None. “Those women have no idea how lucky they are to still be alive.” Donald J. Trump
  • Finally, the president is expected to make a stop in Texas on the Mexican border. Trump will thank construction workers who are working on the border wall. While visiting them, he’ll pad the pockets of those who are looking the other way when corners are cut in the wall construction process. Additionally, he’ll drop a few Benjamins on guards at the internment facilities, thanking them for continuing to promote his winner take all policies which human rights groups have labeled Draconian and congressional members have labeled unconstitutional. Expected payoff: You can’t put a price on the most important issue facing America today; poor, destitute, helpless migrants who are looking for a better way of life — free from oppression, danger, peril and certain death and who are trying to reach the land of fairness, freedom and equity to start a new life…in internment camps without food, no working toilets, nor a place to lie down, no toiletries and even less medical care.

Mission accomplished!

Humorist, political junkie, activist, resister

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