Ladies and Gentlemen, Boys and Girls — Welcome to the DC Circus! Prepare yourselves for the acrobats, the colossal tumblers and the myriad of contortionists, high-wire acts and clowns as they await to enter the ring.
Pull up a seat, put your hands together, and welcome the cast of characters who have toiled long hours to make the show what it is…The Greatest Political Shit Show on Earth!
Ringmaster Donald J. Trump. He runs the show, no doubt about it. He’s loud, boastful and he gets the crowd to show their appreciation for each previous performance and primes the pump for the next outlandish act. When not working in the ring, he takes his skills on the road to every redneck stronghold in the Midwest and South.
Animal Trainer Bill Barr has his hands full every night. It’s not easy taming animals who are headstrong, easily distracted, constantly on the lookout for something to eat and who set their sights on the weakest among them. Bill knows a thing or two about keeping wild, feral, out-of-control beasts in check…he deals with Trump every day.
Clowns Don Jr. and Eric Trump really know how to entertain a crowd. Together, they are responsible for deflecting audience members from what is going on behind the scenes. They work hard to distract the public from their ringleader father by making incredulous and asinine statements to the press, other Trumpaholics and racist fat-wallet donors who are willing to listen to their drivel.
Every circus needs Wild Animal Acts that are willing to perform for the audience at a moment’s notice: Enter Fox News Talking Heads. They know their place under the Big Top; they know when to lash out and when to shut it down. They entertain audiences by regurgitating the ringleader’s suggestions, fabricated stories, lies and innuendo. It doesn’t take much talent to do this — just a willingness to deny the facts and follow their leader’s lead whenever he commands attention.
What circus would be complete without Girls on Horseback — Ivanka and Melania. Desperate to be noticed after losing their failing clothing and jewelry lines, respectively, these gals know that the best way to get noticed by those in power is to flaunt what you’ve got — providing what you have are expensive designer clothes and are armed with 38DD silicone chest plates.
Contortionist Mike Pence does his best to stay above it all. He’s not always successful hovering above the fray, but it’s important to note that when he comes down to earth, he’s still the patsy that offers cover for the ringleader. The ringleader knows how to keep his hands up Pence’s skirt, working the ventriloquist angle to the delight of those sycophants and loyalists in the crowd whenever Pence is performing. It’s an act that doesn’t garner much enthusiasm but is useful when needed to tout the party line.
No circus is complete without Plate Spinner Mike Pompeo. It makes no difference what the story is or how much the alternative facts change overnight, stone-cold Mike can sit ramrod straight in front of a camera, never move a facial muscle, never blink and ALWAYS get on board with the newest and greatest of DJT’s lies and fact-filtering, all while keeping those plates spinning — just like the yarns his boss spews on Twitter, hourly.
Human Cannonball Rudy Giuliani sure knows how to blow up every scenario he encounters. Rudy usually comes out of hiding to deflect from the rest of the show’s participants when there is a lull or a shakeup in the DC Circus. His role is to add excitement and explosive entertainment wherever he appears. While not exactly a crowd pleaser, he does give the media plenty of sound bites and is making Adam Schiff’s job easier as the impeachment inquiry continues.
Fire Eater Mitch McConnell does the impossible every day. He publicly swallows the president’s fiery rhetoric and holds it down for as long as it takes him to run from the cameras to the nearest restroom before hurling the lies, the fabricated opinions and the self-serving chatter into the first open stall he can find. But like any good fire eater, he puts on a show for his audience — Fox News — whenever the ringleader demands it.
For a brief time, the best Balancing Act was Trey Gowdy but alas, he’s been fired from the show. He couldn’t hang on 24 hours with this circus before his previous quotes about Obama and Clinton when he helmed the Benghazi hearings sunk his chance to be a part of ringleader’s defense team. The boastful quotes turned out to be false premise, alternative fact analogies. Oops!
What would a circus be without Sword Swallower Lindsey Graham? It’s long been rumored that swords aren’t the only thing Lindsey swallows, but it’s nevertheless truly amazing how many sharp objects he can fit in his pie hole and just how far he can ram them down his throat in spite of the damage he’s doing to what’s left of his dwindling reputation. Watching Graham navigate the DC political scene while running with scissors is always a crowd pleaser.
Juggler Mick Mulvaney knows that telling the truth when working under the Big Top is never easy and always a challenge. Mick juggles the facts; juggles statements and juggles his quotes. It’s not the toughest job, nor is it the most entertaining — but it does pay the bills.
Every circus has a spectacular grand finale; something that defies logic, and and suspends belief. Look no farther than the Globe of Death: enter Trump, himself. It takes a lot of nerve and twice the moxie to hop on a motorcycle and race wildly around the cage, eluding danger like he eludes the press and his critics in the WH. Some might say he’s courageous, but Washington insiders know that it’s not courage that fuels this dare devil, but rather a kind of clueless ignorance and gross stupidity that permeates everything he utters or does and that keeps him caged in his own self-made sphere of denial, complicity and eventually, his demise.