“Anyone can sell you a disinfectant, but I — and I alone — can give you the best deals on all your faves: Lysol, Clorox, Formula 409 and so much more!” Don-the-Con from his nightly press briefing/campaign rally.
That’s right! If you are in need of disinfectant to inject, drink or snort, our warehouse staff is here to help. At Don-the-Con’s Warehouse, we understand that Moms, Dads, Grandparents and siblings are scared shitless — and needlessly so. We know that you aren’t worried about where your next meal comes from, but rather how you will deal with all of the new misinformation out there on ingesting or injecting the right disinfectant for you.
We take our jobs seriously and want everyone to know that our associates are here for you, guiding you through the minefield of confusion and questions that many have with regard to the Coronavirus hoax.
Our associates are the best in the business: Knowledgeable, hip, sassy and dead-on when Covid-19 is the subject. Here’s what some of our associates have to say:
Hi, I’m Tina Safire, Ass’t Manager in the Kitchen and Bar Ware department. Stop by and I’ll give you tips and tricks to set your family’s GI system on BLAST! I’ve got great recipes for Lysol Libations and Formula 409 Fireballs — they’ll make your next party or get-together sizzle! And don’t forget to ask for our free sample of Clorox Cocktail mix. Once you try it, you’ll be back for MORE!
Masks aren’t for just Halloween. Many bosses are requiring them in the workplace. Alternatively, you may have a bad case of zits and need something that will allow you to go outside without having to explain yourself. Marcus Alberti, our Mask and Costume Manager can help:
“I can answer all of your mask questions and outfit your entire family with any number of masks, from phony medical grade to outlandish and fun “protective” coverings. Everyone knows masks are useless for guarding against the faux Coronavirus, so pop in any time. I’ll give you something that’ll make your boss think twice about firing you for non-compliance.”
Our print shop is the best in the business! In honor of Black Lives Matter, we are selling Black and White donut posters and offer these black beauties at our Blakery. We’re often accused of racism and ignorance at our stores, but that’s simply not true.
We find the best ingredients and make these babies in spades, so that all of our chocolate friends will feel welcome at our Blakery — see, we support the BLM movement!
Our proprietary and secret recipe includes all of the things that make these sweets our most asked for donut on the shelves, including our newest donut with white Strychnine stripes, of which we are committed to handing out FREE to all of our BLM protesters, so come on by before you head out to the protest march — we’re here for YOU!
Customer loyalty programs are all the rage and we have the best team around. Meet Manager Tim Stevens, our Customer Loyalty specialist.
Tim knows you watch all of the fake news networks and believe the Coronavirus hype and he’s the guy to help you navigate this maze of ignorance, stupidity and faux news in the best way possible. Utilizing all the tricks of the trade he’s learned from spending weekends at the Q-Anon field camp, he’s prepared to give you strategies that will prepare you for fielding questions from concerned neighbors, co-workers and friends, alike. We value you as a customer and Tim will help you make the best use of your time as you deal with Corona Crazies at every turn.
You can learn more about our community commitment to all of our loyal patrons and new customers, too, by going to our website at: http://don-the-con-sells-crap-to-suckers.com.