The Dems Are Solidly Behind Bernie; Shoving Him Off The Edge Of A Cliff After Super Tuesday
After Super Tuesday, Bernie Sanders is celebrating his 4 out of 14 wins and urging supporters to donate more money to support his cause.
It was a big night for Bernie Sanders on Super Tuesday, but not the kind of big night that Bernie really wanted to have. He was eviscerated in 10 states, including Texas, Minnesota, North Carolina and Massachusetts. He picked up meager wins in Colorado and Utah, as well.
While the argument can be made that California with its mega delegate treasure trove of support for Bernie will make up the difference in delegate counts, polls show that fully 45% of the people that voted in the Super Tuesday showdown decided at the last minute to vote for Biden.
In an attempt to thwart the Biden juggernaut, Bernie has a 5-point plan to rejuvenate his base and bring others into the fold before the November 2020 election:
First: Make it legal for all children under the age of 12 to vote.
How hard can this be? Just shove a crayon in every child’s hand and make them color in the oval next to Bernie’s name. To incite children to hop on the Bernie Band Wagon, children will get a choice of one of the following; Candy Bar, Ice Cream Cone, Ritalin or Popcicle of their choosing once their vote is cast. Remember: These children are our future, and as the current supporters of Bernie Sanders have shown, lack of critical thinking skills and rational judgement is essential to delivering a win for Bernie!
Second: Punish all children who refuse to vote.
You know, if you’re a parent, how hard it is to get your child to do something they really don’t want to do. Well Bernie’s team says there’s a way around that, also. If your child refuses to vote, give them a 30 minute time-out session in their bedrooms, listening to Bernie’s speeches on free healthcare for all; free college education for all; free daycare for all and unlimited free candy for all children under the age of 12. After 10 minutes, your children will be ready to toe the line and do the right thing, because listening to Bernie’s endless drivel and nonstop promises of a land of milk and honey (and free stuff) will make their little heads spin and they’ll be so overwhelmed, they’ll do anything to stop the madness and they WILL vote for Bernie.
Third: Promise everyone a new car.
Hey, don’t laugh; if it worked for Oprah, imagine how it will work for Bernie! You won’t have to worry about upkeep, because Bernie will make sure that you have free auto tune-ups, lifetime oil changes, repairs and free tires every 3 years (including free tire rotations in off years). Of course, the car will likely be one of the following Russian Dud Models (RDMs), but he didn’t say Mercedes, he said “car.”
This rust bucket replaced the former Moskovitch 408. It ain’t flashy, but it WILL get you from point A to point B, providing point B is no farther than a block from point A.
If you want to choose the next honey of a car that will be sure to bring Ooos and Ahs from friends and family— then the SMZ is for you! The cars were made specifically for the disabled and were distributed for free back in the Motherland or at large discounts to those who wanted them, which explains why absolutely no effort was made toward their evolutionary development.
The SMZ looks like someone just took a cheap, replica Match Car (apologies to Match Cars everywhere) and made it big enough to stuff a family of 4 in; 5 if you don’t breathe. Oh, yeah, one more thing: This bad boy tops out at 34 mph, or you can get the amped-up model, which has a top speed of 45.
Fourth. Give every child an opportunity to work in whatever field they wish.
Think of the possibilities: Always dreamed that your kids would one day become doctors, lawyers , MVPs, or wealthy hedge-fund managers? A vote for Bernie will necessarily mandate open and free oppportunities for all in the Perpetual Lottery for All Youth or PLAY. You read that right. No worries about little Johnnie or Susie not having the ability to assess which shoe belongs on which foot when getting ready for school in the morning. With the PLAY system, your children can be anything they want to be and all they have to do is “state [their] name.” But Bernie,” you say, “My child isn’t that bright; they don’t have the knowledge or the grades to be a well-paid professional.”
No sweat! All they have to do is ask and it will be given. Achieving their dreams has never been easier. A vote for Bernie is a dream no longer deferred!
Fifth. Sign up to be part of the Bernie Brigade.
What’s the Bernie Brigade, you ask? Exactly what it sounds like: A task force of young boys and girls (somewhat similar to the Hitler Youth movement) but with cheaper and less chic uniforms. Bernie Brigade participants will learn how to disrupt Joe Biden’s rallies, make smoke bombs, stealthily operate under the subterfuge of night on election eve — jamming voting machines, replacing ballots with those that are missing Joe Biden’s name and basically causing havoc and wide-spread distortion, the likes of which hasn’t been seen since Bernie took the fight to the convention floor in 2016. Bernie Bros know how to be disruptive; kids can join the Bernie Brigade and learn how to affect real change in the democratic process from the bottom/up.
Those still sitting on the fence need not apply.