Satire

Benedict Donald Leaks Top 20 New Year Resolutions

ARecchie
3 min readDec 29, 2020

Take revenge on everyone who stole the election from me.

Move back into the WH in 2024 and remove losers Kavanaugh, Barrett and Gorsuch from the Supreme Court for misappropriation of thought — refusing to grant me the election that everyone knows I won AND deserved!

Get Mike Pence to come to Mar-A-Lago for a visit; Make sure he NEVER leaves.

Send Anthony Fauci a pipe bomb designed as a confetti popper for the New Year. Make sure return address has Biden’s name on it.

Drive Joe Biden insane with incessant Tweeting, challenging him to a duel in the Capitol. We’ll call it The Brawl in the Hall and we’ll put it on pay-per-view.

Prank call Nancy Pelosi every day, leaving a message about her days being numbered.

Convince Lindsey Graham that being MY Valet is eminently much more rewarding than a seat in the Senate.

Picture by Nam Frohn

Find new causes to bilk money out of MY incredibly uneducated and demonstrably ignorant supporters. Topics to consider:

  • Make America Grate Again — Helping Wisconsin dairy farmers produce more cheese, because — like ME — The Cheese Stands Alone
  • Save the Farmers — Doing God’s Work in the Fields while stuffing MY pockets with donor money
  • Earmark foundation donations to go to the remodeling of the Southern White House — Mar-A-Lago
  • Breaking Bread for America’s Neediest — Putting money into the pockets of rich fat cats like ME who will need it now that I’m out of office.
  • Start a new Super Pac: FLING (Feeding Losers In Need of Groceries). Make one-time contribution to food bank in Palm Beach; Bank the rest for a rainy day election campaign
  • Establish LOVE Wins: Losers Offended by Voting in Elections — Use this money for mounting an information campaign against voting and installing ME in 2024 as the Greatest Ruler of ALL TIME.

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