Basking In The Bliss Of A Post-Coital Win in Iowa

3 min readJan 18, 2024

Gleeful and enthusiastic; Trump calls BFF Vlad for advice on his next term as President

Image/Kevin Lemarque/Reuters

After what Donald Trump termed as a blow-out victory in Monday’s Iowa caucuses, he did what any former president would do; he rushed back to his hotel room and called BFF Vladimir Putin for advice on how to conduct his second term in the White House.

Sources close to the former president said the conversation was cordial and informative. When asked what the two despots spoke about, an anonymous source said the bulk of the conversation centered around accidents, falls and mishaps — all, leading to certain death.

After the call, Trump asked for a notepad and pen, furiously jotting down names of those who were certain to meet an untimely death, once he took the oath of office in 2025.

The list was retrieved from Trump’s dining table when he fell into a sugar coma, a result of ingesting several cream puffs, Eclairs, a Napoleon and a Paris Brest, courtesy of the hotel’s newly hired French pastry chef; all of which were washed down by a Super-Sized Coke from McDonald’s.

The list was comprised of Trump’s political enemies, as well as former confidants and supporters:

  • Mike Pence will accidently fall to his death from the front porch of his Indiana home in early February 2025. He will be pushed by a good friend who was just stopping by to say, “Hi”.
  • Ron DeSantis will accidentally swan-dive from the rotunda of the Florida state house in Tallahassee, rumored to be inspecting it when a construction worker carrying several 2X4s accidentally gets in his way.
  • Chris Christie will slip and fall into the Hudson River while giving a speech from the George Washington Bridge in New Jersey in celebration of Presidents Day, in February of 2025. A brief tsunami will be followed by a memorial service TBA.
  • Vivek Ramaswamy will take a nosedive from his private yacht while visiting attorneys in Bermuda while on a family/work vacation. According to yet-to-be-determined unnamed sources, Ramaswamy will apparently be dizzy and listless, falling into a shark frenzy in the Atlantic Ocean.
  • Rep. Liz Cheney will be bucked from a horse while galloping on her…